Why should I blog? Well, people have been telling me I should. I kept saying, I will, I will!!! The bigger question would be, Why today?? The answer is, I woke up very depressed. Slept 15 hours last night. I was also very anxious this morning.

In fact I’ve been struggling the last few months, more than usual. Depression, anxiety, some O.C.D. Mostly mood swings and going from a night or 2 of no sleep to wanting to sleep all the time. Maybe it’s the shorter days?

My most recent speaking trip was one of great highs and lows. It started in Peterborough, Ontario. Michael Landsberg’s fundraiser. What a turnout, if you don’t follow Michael, you should. He’s a fellow sufferer and a great man. Theo Fleury and Hailey Wickenheiser spoke along with myself. There was a lot of big names there supporting our cause .What a high for me to see and hear so many people that can relate too mental illness. Problem with me is when I get that rush, I struggle coming down. Sleep becomes a problem and I will eventually crash.

In October I really struggled. You see, October 7th 2008, I tried to end my life. So, if you don’t know this. Trauma has anniversary’s. Even if your not thinking about it your body remembers. So does your subconscious, even your spirit. I have to be conscious of my “anniversary’s”. Almost dying In that game in Buffalo is another one I must be aware of.

From experience, I know today’s depression and anxiety will pass. It already has. I pushed myself to get out to the barn where I worked out. I then started the chore’s around the property and being around my animals. That is a blessing, therapeutic, horses, goats dogs etc.

I hate depression and anxiety. It’s no where as dark as it used to be. I try to be grateful for it. Why??? Because I know that it will pass and I also know that at one time in my life, it didn’t, it was always there. I also know that there are people that are where I used to be.

I was spared for those that still suffer. You will get well. I don’t ever want to feel that pain and darkness that I experienced, but I don’t want to forget it either. These times that I still struggle gives me fuel to talk, support and give hope to the ones that are where I used to live every minute of everyday.